Having worked with couples for fifteen years, and having faced many challenges in my own marriage, I have come to realize that you cannot give from an empty cup. You also cannot expect anyone else, including your partner, to fill your cup, so it boils down to one thing – filling your own cup. This reality speaks to personal responsibility, one of the most important lessons life is trying to teach us again and again. And yet it is one of the hardest lessons to learn, growing up as we do, in a culture that engenders dependency and pathology.
I recently went through what Brene Brown describes as ‘midlife unravelling’ where my entire belief system fell apart and what I thought was real and true fundamentally changed. During this time, I desperately needed affirmation from my wife, and her sticking around was just enough to get me through. I realized how neglected my own nature was, as I had spent the last 58 years of my life performing like a circus monkey according to culturally imposed norms and values. It left me feeling empty, helpless and hopeless, struggling with negativity and needing medication. Welcome to 21st century living – or is it dying?!
And so, I started on a new path of living my own life and learning to fill my own cup. I closed my practice, took a three-month sabbatical, started writing morning pages, did a TM (Transcendental Meditation) course, walked through the Karoo with my daughter for 10 days, learned to consciously breath, took cold swims and showers, and went for therapy. Slowly but surely, I started reconnecting with my true self, and by default feeling more alive and even excited about what remained of my life.
Learning the art and science of filling your own cup includes navigating your way around, what Steve Biddulph in his book ‘Fully Human’ calls, the four floors of your mansion of being. First floor is your body, second is your heart, third is your head, and forth, is the rooftop of your soul. Once we learn to be comfortable with every part of our being, knowing where we are and what to do, we are practicing the personal responsibility of filling our own cups. The result of such work is what I call ‘overflow’ or even abundance, as we start to come fully alive and naturally want to share what we have with the world around us, starting with our families and extending outwards. If you would like to learn how to properly fill your own cup, please give me a call – psychologist in Fourways.