Due to social conditioning, human beings find themselves living in monogamous, long-term relationships which may start to feel more like a cage than a carriage, especially marriages. The challenge is to keep growing as individuals so that the relationship remains stimulating and relevant. Unfortunately, the many roles and responsibilities that occupy couples, especially income generation and child rearing, cause us to lose vitality and meaningful connection with one another. Routine tends to be a passion killer, and it’s not long before the fire is extinguished, and sex becomes more of an obligation than a desire, at least for one partner. Romantic love seems to have a shelf life, and then what?
Many couples at this point find themselves in a rut, going through the motions as they try to remain true to their promise ‘to have and to hold until death us do part’. But when needs go unmet, issues unresolved, and resentments build-up over time, the stage is set for infidelity. The fact that we are sexual beings leaves us with a choice, to either suppress and deny our unmet needs or seek fulfilment in alternative ways, often outside of the relationship. As Martha Beck says, ‘Nature does not give up without a fight’.
I believe that growing up as we do in a dependency driven culture, we place too much emphasis on others to meet our needs. When they fail to do so, we either shut down or seek validation elsewhere. This makes us a society ripe for infidelity. We are also a highly sexualized society where sex is promoted on every street corner through the media, and we are constantly being titillated by the latest must-have accessory to stimulate our waning senses, increase our social status and sexual appeal. It’s an understandable matter of time before the levee breaks.
The upshot is a flood that washes everything away, with the tears of betrayal and broken trust that follow. It’s a real mess and an unfortunate short-cut to trying to awaken or appease human passion and desire. It’s not that our nature has got the better of us, but that we have mismanaged our nature by allowing things to reach a point of reckless abandon, which is what affairs are. The high road for couples is a journey of self-validation through the work of nurturing our own individual nature, reinvigorating our own life, bringing us into our own abundance, that can be shared with each other. If you would like to avoid the flood and find abundance in your life and in your relationship then please contact me, psychologist in Fourways.