I once came up with a title for a book I never wrote, ‘If you want a walk in the park, get a dog. If you want to scale Everest, get married!’ To get it right and come out on top is probably one of the hardest things on earth. So why do so many young and not so young couples continue to defy the odds by choosing the steep path of matrimony? I suppose social conditioning has a lot to do with it – marriage has been around for a very long time. It feels like the right thing to do, and something we should at least try once!
If we could see what was coming, I am sure most starry-eyed lovers would think twice before arriving at the ceremony. Runaway Bride would be the norm and not the exception. Why does no one warn us about what lies ahead?! Cynically, could it be a case of doing time so why prevent others from doing theirs. Deep down I think we all know that there is treasure of a kind found nowhere else but on the mountain of marriage, and we secretly admire each other for even attempting to discover it.
The next question then is why marriage is so hard? From my personal experience, having been married twice to the same woman, I think it’s hard because we are not who we are meant to be in the first place, and marriage is the perfect crucible to highlight and facilitate the necessary changes. In order to be happily married, a whole lot of growth needs to happen in both partners. So here is where the pain in the neck comes, because growth is hard, often painful. And why marriage is such a well-constructed arrangement – you can’t just walk away when the going gets tough.
The best escape is through the problems, not from them. That you are going to push each other’s buttons is a given, so figuring out how to move through your induced pain, instead of getting stuck in an endless cycle of suffering, is important. Sadly, because most of us have not been taught how to move through our pain, suffering feels like the norm. It was Byron Katie who wrote that pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. This is where a soul guide can be invaluable to teach you how to move through your pain in the neck marriage towards the summit experience of peace, freedom and joy within your own life, and ultimately within your marriage. If you would like to make your pain count, please contact me – psychologist in Fourways.