When it comes to marriage, two halves don’t make a whole. The only way a marriage can be whole is when both partners are whole. Now this unfortunately is a rare thing, which is why most marriages look like a long line of POWs being herded inconsolably to an internment camp. For a marriage to thrive, both partners need to be wide awake to the infinite possibilities within them and their relationships, not resigned to making the best of a bad thing. With the divorce rate sitting at well over 50%, and the likelihood that 80% of the remaining intact marriages are barely surviving, there is a desperate need for life-support. It’s not surprising that the younger generation have little interest in participating in this noble, albeit flawed, institution.
Now marriage is primarily a sexual contract, in which a couple agree to be sexually faithful and committed to one another ‘until death us do part’. For this to work, both partners need to be comfortable with their own sexuality and have a genuine desire to share themselves physically, emotionally, cognitively, and spiritually. Because death often comes prematurely in the form of emotional disconnection, it’s not long before the unsuspecting couple finds themselves switched off and turned off to their own lives, never mind each other’s. As I wrote in a previous blog on Infidelity, the routine of income generation and child rearing tends to be a passion killer. Hence the importance of equipping people in advance, to be whole, wild, and free, which in turn will make marriages more resilient to the vagaries of life.
An important fact to point out is that few newlyweds are sufficiently whole to navigate the demands of marriage. Because marriage comes with the subconscious belief, promoted in so many of our cultural myths and fantasies, that the beloved is miraculously going to complete us, living happily ever after – we are setup for failure. Opposites do attract, resulting in complementary attributes and interests, but it isn’t long before these initial points of attraction become a major source of disappointment. Another triggering dynamic that quickly highlights how incomplete we are, is how similar our partners seem to be to certain primary care givers found at the heart of childhood pain and frustration (Please refer to Imago Relationship Therapy for more information on this).
The result of two halves trying to make a whole is usually a very painful power struggle resulting in a win-lose or lose-lose, but never a win-win. The only way for a win-win is when both partners seriously embark upon their own personal journey to be whole. This is where having a soul-guide to assist each person take back responsibility for nurturing their own nature can be invaluable. Through properly deciphering our own inner reality at a body, heart, head, and soul level, we gain access to our instinctive creativity, confidence, and clarity. Instead of remaining a slave to cultural norms and values, trapped in a disappointing dyad, we loosen the vice-grip of our own mental constructs and become the masters of our own destiny, whole, wild, and free.
I have often said that sex is the icing on the cake of marriage. But you cannot ice a cake that hasn’t been baked. For the marriage contract to be fulfilled and fulfilling, both partners need to be switched on and turned on to their own individual life, and to each other.